Wibbling Thoughts

was ok!

only a few arguments and a few evils in church…

church was fun, there were about 9 kids in the pew in front and i ended up taking one of them (a little girl of 5) up for communion…and at the concecration when the priest held up the host a little boy stood on the pew and shouted “look”

and they were playing with playdough….

“unless you change and become like little children”

the bad thing at the moment is that my best friend, claire, is anorexic, she is in hospital being tube fed…

she also cuts…

mum has said several times that it is my fault for making her cut, cos she got the idea from me…and mum hinted that i shouldn’t go to see her in hospital cos it’s my fault she’s there…

i’m ignoring her.

claire is my friend, i spent my time at secondary school desparatly trying to get her to eat. i *am* going to see her, and i’m going to help her all i can.

Molly is with you now lord…i wish i could have met her, you know how much she helped me don’t you? you know how much she cared…thankyou for her, thank you for every one…

Amen

mum found all the stuff i’d written in my room last night, she *really* blew up about the “open letter” and the poems…

so i don’t think i will be writing much anymore…

i knew when i started journaling again, if anything i wrote was found i’d be in *big* trouble, but i decided to risk it…

not again…

More poems, some are quite personnal/maybe triggery though…

http://hosted4u.org.uk/sophs/poems.html

I am *really* regreting this and i haven’t even posted…

oh and for the record, they are on a webpage because i can’t work out the college computer system, and don’t really know how to save stuff…not because i originally wanted to show them to people…

err..yeah…right…anyway…

*embarrased*

had a cool philosophy lesson yesterday…teacher had a hangover, so we chatted about how to break a door down, only two people in the class had ever even tried, me and a lad…

brought back fun memories of my first scout camp…3am, walking to the toilets, all 5 of the older ones, finding a door that was locked and didn’t seem to lead anywhere…so we decided to open it…when picking the lock didn’t work one of the lads ended up kicking the door down…it was empty…

very dissapointing…

the letter was written when i wasn’t very happy…at all…i wouldn’t say suicidal, cos that was before i even thought of writing…if anyone want’s to know the full details then i will say, but not on the wiblog, cos i dont’ want my mum finding out what happened when she was out…

a poem that i also wrote can be found here:

http://hosted4u.org.uk/sophs/poem.html

now i am *really* embarrased…

runnign away now….

sophs

it means a lot to me, all the love and care i have found in you. the comfort in emails and pm’s and text messages has kept me going when i have been so down i thought i couldn’t ever get up again. when i have been so close to killing myself, so many many times, something has stopped me…normally the memory of a pm or email or a typed hug. sometimes, often, it has been all the love i have been shown. the only people who seem to give a sh!t if i live or die are on-line…(not telling me i can’t even kill myself proparly like at home)…some times i feel so pathetic because of that, that the only reason people like me is because they don’t really know me. that if they did they would hate me just as much as my family…but i know i have been accepted by people who know my horribleness, and like me despite that……i know i’m lucky…if i didn’t have people on line i think i’d be dead by now.

i’m sorry for all the times nothing you say will sink in, for declaring against all the evidence that i’m unloveable. i’m sorry for hurting you by showing my pain, and what i do to myself. I’m sorry if i haven’t replayed to an email or pm…i’m still not sure how to respond to people who seem to like me…it’s only recently i have had practice.

some times it seems i’ll never be free of this pain, sometimes i think i’ll always be scared of people older than me, but then i realise how much i’ve come forward…i still freeze in situations that scare me, but i calm down quicker now. and i have more confidence in meeting people

so thankyou for caring

i’m sorry for being scared to accept the love shown

and i am trying to trust

from a very very worried and embarassed

sophs

(written: 10th December 10:50)

to the Sea, to the Sea, the white gulls are calling

the wind is blowing and the white foam is flying

west, west away the round sun is falling

grey ship, grey ship do you hear them calling

the voices of my people that have gone before me?

i will leave, i will leave the woods that bore me

for our days are ending and our years failing

i will pass the wide waters, lonely sailing

long are the waves on the Last Shore falling

sweet are the voices in the Lost Isle calling

in Eresea, in Elvenhome that no man can discover

where the leaves fail not; land of my people forever

(Legolas’ song of the Sea)

Is it stupid that this made me think of molly?

i don’t think it is…it is a sad song, it seems to be a lament of what was left behind as well as a hope of what is to come…

A random thought i had last night

In heaven, if you hide in the bottom of a warderobe, you will go to Narnia…

Trying to do psychology coursework…getting distracted by everything…(including simulating landslides on the new Geography softwear…adn i don’t even study Geography)

Praying for molly every time i can think of something to say that i am able to put into words…

I wanted to phone her last night, but mum disconnected the phone when she went out, cos i refused to leave the house when she did…

Lord god hold molly and keep her safe lord god hold molly and keep her safe…

(can you tell i’m procrasinating?)

I met up with Gill H from the ship on Friday at Betty’s, and we raised a glass to Miss Molly, and chatted about the ship…

Then on Saturday i met up with Tigglet and Soggy just as we got into the warmth of Betty’s (again!) Which was also very very fun