Wibbling Thoughts

i would like to point out that i was upset when the last post was written.

it doesnt make it any less true, but i am embarrassed now

thank you for caring.

had a crap night last night, got called a lazy cow, told i’ll never be anything, or get anywhere, that i was just a failure…told to pull my self together.

Then when i was upstairs in my room, i heard her say to my sister that she hated me so much, that i was ruining her life. She told my sister to make sure she didn’t grow up to be like me…

(worrying bit coming up, please dont worry too much though)

i decided that she would be better of without me, that i was so much of a worthless failure that i may as well be dead.

i spent loads of time trying ot contact people, only i have no credit..

and i tried to hang myself…

it would have worked only i chickened out.

and my neck hurts.

sorry to have worried people, it’s just i’m treating this ‘blog like a journal, and if you want me to just write boring “what i did at college today” stuffs then tell me and i will!

mum cried again last night. i asked her what was wrong…she just gave em a look…it looked like she hated me.

on Saturday she said to her SO that it was cos of me, only she called me “that b!tch”, i dont know what i did to make her so mad or upset…i’ve tried so hard not to make her mad, gone to college early every morning, even when i have no lessons all day, worked as hard as i can, kept my room as tidy as possible…but she is upset and it’s my fault.

i dont want to make her cry, i dont want her to be upset. i want her to love me.

i don’t know why i feel this way, mum was nice to me last night, she gave me a fiver extra dinner money, so i have enough to eat tonight, i’ve not really written much (poem wise) for ages, been worrying loads about Claire though, i really miss her, and all my friends at my old college…i miss having people around me i could trust, joking in lessons and arguing with teachers, i miss all my friends at the churches i went to and the mad things i got up to there…

i wish i still lived in Marple, i am *so* lonely at the moment it’s unbelievable…

i’m struggleing to stay alive, only i have to cos i said i’d help at Visions set-up on sunday…

why do i feel like this?

Did you ever touch the loneliness of a broken man

Did you ever see a starving child die

Do we really do these things to one another

Do you see why….. dolphins make me cry

I’m going through a Martyn Joseph phase at the moment

(Blame Dolphy/Karin, they quoted him at me…oh and he was on the tape listened to in the car on the way to the manchester meet!)

Let the angles walk with her and the deamons stay with me

For some who walk this earth are not meant to be free.

very very lonely…but i survived it…

written more worshipy stuff, called it discover (a bit of a cheesy name i know) and organised various bits…

only i can’t do visuals cos i don’t understand powerpoint…i don’t like computers…

i’m now wibbling on about nothing really…i tend to do that when i’m upset, i wish i had some friends in York, only i feel really pathetic when i say that. mind you i feel pathetic anyway, always moaning and complaining…Why can’t i be more cheerful?

and then i go and type a load of whining rubbish which no-one in their right mind would want to read.

At the moment my msn name/sig is from Stevie Smiths poem, not waving but drowning. It sums up my mood perfectly…

another wonderful from a song is Matyn Josephs Aching and Longing:

Just an aching and a longing to be loved.

and the line in my version (but not AnnieP’s – i wonder why?) goes

To be special to someone to be precious to love back to know how to love

I cried a bit…ok a lot…:’(

hugs all!

sophs

well…MSN won’t work on the computer that i’m on at the moment :’( and i’ve just had the worlds most boring Philosophy lesson…and realised that my alt worship thing is being done soon…but computer wiht msn is free now, so i’m gonna log out and come back

spent ages over christmas preparing some alt.worship stuff, a labyrinth type prayer journey…which is being done on the 24th Jan….

soon

here’s what i’ve done so far:

http://mail4u.org.uk/sites/sophs/index.html

should begin to work out visuals ect…

don’t have the first idea where to start though, although i have already started sucking up to Sue of Visions…

Hopefully it should be good!