Wibbling Thoughts

Well, the vast majority of the text is written, and has been commented upon. I’m now at 12060 words, with a minimum limit of 12000, so only have met the word count.

My current dissertation ‘to-do’ list is

*write the introduction
*finish the conclusion
*write short introductions and conclusions to each chapter
*check spelling
*mend references
*add page numbers
*mend bibliography

The deadline is the 17th April, and I’m hoping to get the first three bits done before the 10th, leaving me with a week to tidy up the damn thing.

My today job is the short introductions and conclusions to each chapter. Each word I write makes me die a little inside, it seems pathetic and childish to write “This is what I’m going to do, this is why I’m going to do it” at the start of every chapter. I really that if a chapter is titled “The Palestine Israel Conflict, and starts with the first Aliya in the 1880s, then it’s not a massive leap in reasoning to realise that the chapter is a basic history of the Palestine Israel Conflict. Similally, the chapter titled “Theories about Reconciliation” is a chapter examining theories about reconciliation.

My other problem is what do you put in an introduction? And a conclusion for that matter…’tis all very confusing…At the moment my conclusion is 356 words long, and I’ve pretty much ran out of things to say. I’ve just got about five paragraphs, one sumerising each chapter, and one summery of the whole thing. I’m sure that’s wrong somehow.

The whole bloody thing makes me want to scream.

In other news, I’m going to see the Terracotta Army on Friday with my family.

Today I have spent twelve hours on a coach and three at Aldermaston, a nuclear base near Reading. Aside from bumping into tractor girl, the day was pretty much a bog standard demo. It was uber fluffy, with no direct action (not even walking on the road to get the gates…), plenty of speeches and little in the way of action. It’s odd, I’m not used to that kind of thing anymore, there was a time when I’d be looking forward to it, be excited, spend time planning, making costumes and generally getting into the spirit of things…but not today.

I could blame it on the dissertation, or illness, but I think there is more to it than that. On the bus on the way down I felt very alienated, a feeling that wasn’t helped by the people behind me basically dissing everything that I believe in, and being fundamentalist liberals (the usual “people who don’t boycott Israel should be shot”, “Christianity is evil and repressive”, “The middle classes are evil” crap). I almost got off the bus at Leeds, in fact I did, I got about 10 meters away before I turned and got back on the bus. My only real friend on the bus joined a group dressing up as Maggie Thatcher and the miners, and I felt even more left out…I was beginning to wish I hadn’t come. Then I got off the bus.

At first, I thought that a random person had seen my housemate, because I wasn’t expecting to see anyone at the demo, but then I realised that it was Tractor Girl. And I was very happy. On the coach I commented that part of why I loved going on these demos was seeing my friends again, the sense of belonging and companionship that I felt when I was part of a group was missing from this demo. But thanks to a happy coincidence, it was a fantastic day.

For the last few years, I’ve felt that I was drifting away from the ship. Last Wightmeet was the realisation of this feeling, I’ve changed as a person in the last five years, and most of the changes have been from a fairly shy, conventional person to a significantly more confident and radical person. I don’t feel I have many friends on the ship who I can identify with politically, and to a lesser extent spirituality. I doubt there are many Christian Anarchists on the ship…Tractor Girl is one of the few who I feel comfortable talking to about faith and action (so comfortable that I did my best to corrupt Third Party…).

I’ve also decided that growing up sucks. I don’t want to get a job, I don’t want to move out of student accomodation into a real house, and I don’t want to leave university.

So, I’m applying for a job. It’s one I’ve wanted for a while, and I’m now sat with the application form. A few of the questions are quite difficult, and involve a bit of self censorship, so here is what I want to say…

How do you understand being ecumenical?

Sweetheart, I am ecumenical. I’m the living inbodyment of ecumenical. I’m confirmed as a Catholic and an Anglican, know the Methodist prayerbook by heart, go to a woolly liberal backslidden church that uses Iona liturgy and have taken communion in an Orthodox church, with the permission of the priest. Ecumenical is more than just appealing to the main denominations though, it’s a process not possible on earth. In order to be truly ecumenical worship has to be just the right mix of disturbing and comfortable for everyone on earth, a feat very difficult this side of heaven. Ecumenical worship is an ideal, each effort takes us one step closer to this ideal, but it’s unlikely we’ll succeed. It’s still worth trying though.

What do you understand by the phrase inclusive?

I live with a bi sexual polyamourous, gender queer atheist and zir (nominally) christian partner, who’s also poly and gender queer, and a sexual. I now use the pronouns “ze” and “zir” without feeling odd, and am perfectly comfortable with all forms of sex, gender and sexuality. And vauglly understand the differences. But inclusivity is more than that, and inclusive church is a space for anyone marginalised by society, it’s about safety and shelter for vulnerable, and challenge to the comfortable, it’s about trust and learning to cope with negative societal views. It’s not about rights and wrongs, the latest campaigns or buzz words, or providing a space for the depressed and the LGBTQ. It’s much, much, much more radical than that, inclusivity is never safe, never static, and always involves a risk. Inclusivity is about a BNP counciller sitting and praying next to an Anarchist.
And living with the discomfort that brings.